I had already bought you a book to write you letters. One at each of your birthdays. I put the pieces of the crib in our spare bedroom and was planning on using the gorgeous yellow crib sheets I never used with L. If you were a girl, I had spent a lot of time meticulously sorting baby clothes by month and laying them out in bins. I was so ready. But I guess you weren’t. And that’s okay, your mommy is here for you and is waiting for when you want to return. I promise I’ll do it better next time.

When I saw that double line on the pregnancy test six days before my missed period, I immediately fell in love with you and all I hoped for you and for you to become. I could envision our family ordering extra pizza because now there were three kids and not two. I knew I’d put you in the crib right away because I didn’t with your sister and what a mistake. L had so generously given me all the tools I needed to be an even better mom than I have been, although I am always desperately  trying my best. We were ready but I suppose you weren’t.

I’m here. You can come back to me. You’ve taught me more about my capacity to love than I ever thought possible, I thought I was already at the brink. Although you are not inside of me safe and warm, you are somewhere or perhaps everywhere. Come back when you’re ready, your mommy is waiting.


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